My case for being an attached parent

I did not start out as an attached parent. As far as mothers ago, I was damn detached for quite a while. Along with being raised in a mainstream environment (and not knowing any different), I had the added "fun" of having severe PPD.

I had Christopher in August of 2003, I was 18. I hadn't even babysat a newborn at that point. I wanted to breastfeed, but gave up quickly...under the impression that it just wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't cosleep because, honestly, all I'd ever heard about kids who slept in their parents' beds was "THEY'LL NEVER LEAVE!"

Christopher was an "easy" baby. He didn't cry much. He slept through the night at a month old. He was generally happy to be on his own. Thanks to my PPD, my interactions with him for the first seven months of his life were strained at best. I would basically stare at this child, feeling like a babysitter waiting for his real mother to come get him. I didn't know how to speak to him, I didn't know how to entertain him.

I held him, I fed him...but I didn't connect with him. I watched a lot of TV that first 7 months. I really didn't leave the house unless it was to go to my inlaws on weekends. Things are kind of fuzzy, my memories aren't real clear from when he was a baby. I was lost in my own mind. I mourn his babyhood, because I feel like I missed so much of it.

We did CIO. We started rice cereal at 3 months. Started baby food at 4 months. He was forward facing in a car seat by 11 months. I wore him a couple times in a Bjorn and a sling, but it wasn't a regular thing.

Basically everything I don't do now. This amuses me sometimes...looking at how different things are now. It also makes me look at the difference in the bond I have with him and the one I have with Michael. And even Jacob. Although I still made some "mistakes" with Jacob, I had a firmer bond with him because I DID feel attached to him almost immediately. I was dreading another repeat of PPD with his birth, but it never returned.

Christopher and I have struggled with our relationship...a lot. He and I were constantly at odds for years. To the point where I would purposely avoid my own child because the fighting...never...stopped. I do blame this on previously being a detached parent and not knowing how to deal with him. It felt like my own kid was a stranger.  I lashed out with anger in response to his behavior instead of stopping and thinking WHY it was happening. I wish I had had these epiphanies sooner. His younger years would have been much more enjoyable.

Now, let's talk about Michael. He was born at home...immediately put into my arms to nurse and wasn't taken from me at all, except by his father because, well, he wanted to hold his son. But nobody was there telling me that I should send him to the nursery. Nobody took him to get him circumcised. Nobody was there telling me that I couldn't let him sleep on my chest because "the bassinet was better". I was free to nurse and bond with my baby with no one but my husband and children around. It was wonderful. I had never felt so much love right after a birth before...it always took me a couple days to "come around".

I attended his every need. I nursed on demand (And yes, that means my butt was glued to the couch for 80% of the day for those first few months). I wore him and sniffed him. I slept with him next to me or on me. He was always with me. Physical contact with him comes as naturally as breathing. He never has (and never wil) CIO. We nurse to sleep for every nap and every bedtime. I wear him at home and everywhere we go.

Physical contact with Christopher was awkward for both of us for a long time. It's like we didn't know if it was okay to touch each other. He didn't hug me. And I felt weird trying to hug him. Mostly because he would usually run away. I have made great strides in this over the past couple years. I made the effort to "normalize" touching between us and now it's much better. He hugs me randomly throughout the day...we don't fight nearly as much (he's 9, it's going to happen). He tells me he loves me. It's a world of difference.

Although I didn't breastfeed Jacob either, physical affection comes naturally with him also because I held him and bonded with him much more than I did with Christopher.

Detached parenting may look attractive to some...it provides more freedom. Leaving the baby at home is easier...more free time at night...sleeping through the night...stuff like that. But, when it comes to how it FEELS...I will take being an attached parent over the alternative any day of the week. If I could do it all over again, I would do it this way....every time.

I realize that not everyone feels the way I do. But this is for those who feel like they HAVE to listen to the pediatrician telling you to start rice cereal at 3 months. Whose friends are telling them that they need to get that baby out of their bed NOW.  Whose mom is telling them that they need to put the baby down or they're going to spoil him/her.

You CAN follow your instincts. It's okay. Really. It's OKAY to follow your heart where your baby is concerned.

It's okay.