What this is all about

When one has different ideas from the mainstream ones of society, they have to expect negativity.

When I started writing publicly...11 long years ago...I wasn't prepared for the negativity. It doesn't matter what you do, when you do it or how well you do. People are going to find something to bitch about. In my case, it was being 18...a very naive 18...and having a baby. More or less on purpose, at that.

I had rose colored glasses the size of Texas. So the negativity that inevitably came was surprising. And hurtful. I actually credit the internet to making me realize that some people are just unreachable and aren't going to like you no matter what you do. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's annoying at times, especially when people miss the entire point of what you put in front of them...but so be it.

I don't write this stuff thinking that I'm going to change every single persons' mind who reads it. I'm not saying you are the most horrible, terrible parent in the world because you don't do the things I do.

I write for the people who are open to learning. Who are accepting and logical and can say "Hey, maybe that wasn't the best idea...I should probably learn more about this." Without immediately going into attack mode "OMG, YOU'RE CALLING ME A BAD MOTHER! OMG! YOU BITCH!".

Yeah, no. I'm not. Really. There is a difference between not understanding someone's choices and calling them a bad parent.

The tricky part here, is that it SEEMS as if I am attacking certain parenting choices because there are words used like "safer" and "better". But I really can't apologize if there is evidence, research and RESULTS saying that such-and-such is, in fact, better/safer. And what I want to say back to these people is this:

"So, you're saying that because YOU did it and nothing bad happened...EVERYONE should continue to do so?"

I would also like to point out that this is really, really illogical and is actually kind of dumb. Sorry. It's the truth.

Example:

"Smoking is bad for your health."
"Well, my grandpa smoked for 60 years and never got cancer."

So, the point is because your grandpa smoked and never got cancer...this proves that smoking is safe and nobody's going to get cancer?

I'm sure when all the new evidence was coming out about how harmful smoking was way back when, people reacted the same as they do to me and my posts..."But doctors said it was okay!" "I smoked through all my pregnancies and my kids are fine!"

Now, what do most people do when we see a pregnant woman smoking? "Ick, she should know better."

But once upon a time, everybody did it. So everybody accepted it. Herd logic. 


Can you at least see where I'm trying to go with this?

Just because it hasn't happened to YOU...or someone close to you...doesn't mean it can't happen. This is the beauty of google, people....we have no excuse to live in a bubble anymore.

Example with parenting subject:

"You know, it's been shown that CIO has negative effects on a young baby."
"Eh, my older kid is fine."

OR

"So, did you know that putting the carseat on top of a shopping cart is unsafe? Babies have died!"
"I did it with my baby and she survived, so...."

Again, this is the mindset of, well...nothing happened to THAT child, so nothing will happened to the next one either. Or anybody else's, for that matter.

But, if I may ask a morbid question, what if you had your first child and started sleep training at 4,5 even 6 months...and said baby died. It has been documented, after all, that excessive crying can actually make their little bodies shut down. Would you, honestly, let any subsequent children CIO?

Why wait until it happens to you?

We could ask the same thing of so many subjects...car seats, circumcision, etc.

A big part of the reason why I write and post the stuff I do is because I know there are parents and future parents out there that just don't know. They accept the "old ways" as the "only ways" and they don't question it. But there is a percentage of them who are open to new ideas. Willing to educate themselves about these things.

I will be honest and say I do have a problem with people who look at the facts and the research and the evidence and still say "Well, my kid turned out okay, so all this is bullshit." What we all need to realize is that parenting is a lifelong learning experience. Things change and new evidence comes out all the time. The tricky part is keeping up with it. But we have to try, right? I mean, parenting is all about doing what's best for your kids...and if something comes out that has research based evidence saying "Hey, we got this wrong...this is a better way to go about things!", one would think most parents would stop and listen.

I'm not writing for the ones who are white knuckle-gripping onto their "BUT I DID IT AND THEY'RE FINE!" ideals. That's fine. I'm glad that you are so secure in your parenting that you don't feel the need to research and learn. I'm not one of those people.

I'm writing for the ones who are open to it. Who are looking around for answers that they might not have gotten from their pediatrician, mother-in-law, cousin, etc. Because I was one. I thought there was some unwritten list of rules about parenting and everybody did them and that was that. I am SO GLAD someone said "Hey, there are different ways of doing things." I'm grateful for the women who took a chance and said "Um...you know that's not the safest thing, right?"

I could have gotten angry. I could have cut them off and ended a friendship. But instead I said "Really? Can you tell me more?"

And if what I put out there helps even one person, it's worth it. All the complaining and the comments and the passive aggressive bitching....it's worth it.

And this is where my inner-asshole says "Come at me, bro."

Mostly because that phrase makes me giggle.

Carry on.

Musings of the controversial kind

We've all said it. Even if it's only in our heads.

Nobody likes to admit that they may have done something less than healthy/safe/good for their child. There are many things that I've done that are now very questionable to me...and my kids are fine. Well, at least I think they're fine.

Christopher cried it out. Christopher AND Jacob were formula fed. Emma was in a booster seat by age 3. Jacob was circumcised. For the first 3 years of the boys' lives, they were almost never safely secured into their carseats. Christopher, Jacob AND Emma were turned forward facing by a year or shortly before. All 3 were also placed on top of carts in their bucket seats. A lot.

And yes, they are fine. Because somehow, I got lucky. The only thing I did not get lucky on was Jacob's reaction to the MMR vaccine. Thankfully, that has (thus far) had no residual effects.

You can say it till your head falls off..."I did it, and he/she's fine."

Until they're not.

Until you're that one person who's baby fell off the top of the cart. The one person who's kid went flying from the car during an accident because they should have been in a 5 point harness. That rare instance that the baby had an undiagnosed heart condition and crying it out caused cardiac arrest (I actually know someone who this happened to. It's horrible.) The one who's baby slipped away quietly during the night and nobody noticed till morning. The one who's baby has a life threatening reaction to a round of vaccines.

Most of us have gotten through parenthood so far with minimal issue. Some stitches here...some scrapes here. Maybe a concussion. But then there are those parents who something unthinkable happened to. And now they're left wondering "What if I had done something different?"

I do not think of myself as a perfect parent. I do not think I'm elitist. But I can honestly say that I do not understand why some parents continue to choose things that have been repeatedly proven to be unsafe or less than beneficial for their child. I do not get it. With as much access as we have to scientific research...and books...and other educational materials...why? I wish someone could explain this to me without getting defensive, but I know that's probably not going to happen.

*I* cosleep because I'm paranoid that my baby will stop breathing in the middle of the night. It's been shown that safely bedsharing actually decreases the chances of SIDs because you're breathing, heart beat and slight movements "remind" the baby to breathe.

*I* breastfeed because the list of benefits is miles long and it doesn't make any sense to me to choose anything else because it's easier/more convenient when I have a body that makes exactly what my baby needs. And I've done FF and BF...FF seems much more inconvenient to me, actually. Oh, and I am not one of those people that breastfeeding comes naturally to. I have to muscle through it with lots of tears and such to get through to the "good place".  I try not to judge, but it's very...very...hard when I see women whose babies latch perfectly just...stop. Because "it's too hard" and time consuming. Sorry, it really irks me. I'm being honest here when I say that I don't need 4 dozen stories on how you HAD to give up. I gave that excuse too, for my first 2, but I know...in my heart...if I had put in the time and tried harder...I would have succeeded. And I can admit that now. Because it's not fair to the expecting first time moms and the moms who failed with their first for me to sugar coat the situation. There was no reason I couldn't breastfeed. I gave up. I gave up because of lack of education and lack of motivation. Are my boys fine? Yep. But I'll always wonder...especially if one of them ever struggles with things that breastfeeding is proven to prevent/lessen/help...I'll wonder if that would be happening if I had pushed through and nursed them.

*I* don't CIO (any form...graduated to extinction method) because I found out I don't have to.  There's no rule that your baby has to sleep through the night by a certain age. It's unreasonable to expect it...as there is much, much research on NORMAL sleep patterns. Every baby is different...but the human newborn/young infant is NOT wired to sleep through the night.  Night waking is NORMAL and it is HEALTHY. A newborn/young infant is not capable of manipulation. When a baby cries, that is a cue. And yes, sometimes they cry for seemingly no reason. No reason to YOU anyway. Let's think about this from a physiological perspective...that whole 4th trimester perspective. It has been said that human babies actually should gestate more than 9 months, but can't because a human mother would not be able to give birth to a child that large. So they are born at about 40 weeks. Give or take a few. But those first 3 months out of utero are HARD on them. Their bodies are adapting to breathing...to eating...to moving...to urinating and defecating...And they're constantly growing. None of that sounds very comfortable to me. The only way a baby has to express themselves is crying. So yes, babies cry. But does that mean we should just let them lay there and do it on their own? Don't YOU prefer to be held by someone while you cry? Don't you want someone to comfort you? I don't get the reasoning behind making a baby "deal with it"...because somehow that's going to toughen them up? No. They stop crying because they give up. The baby gives up on the person that is supposed to hold, nourish and comfort them. And that breaks my heart every time I hear about it. Yeah, I know...there are different levels. And I can see it MAYBE for an older child. Like over 1 years old. MAYBE. I still wouldn't do it...but I think it's better than doing it to a baby who's only 3 or 4 months old. Even 8-9 months old. I don't get why people do it. Nothing you can say will convince me either, I've heard it all. I let Christopher CIO because I thought I had to. Like it was some rule of parenthood that I HAD to follow. Even though I felt like absolute crap doing it...I still did. And that...is why I write stuff like this. Just in case someone comes across it that thinks they HAVE to do the things that everyone else around them is doing.

Basically what I'm trying to get across here is...the phrase "But my kid(s) is/are fine" means nothing. You got lucky. You'll continue to be lucky...until you're not

I'll stop rambling now...Hopefully I gave you all something to think about. I know I probably alienated a lot of people...I don't MEAN to, really, but at least they're (you?) are thinking about these issues now.

Down with following along blindly! My wish is for every parent and guardian to LEARN about what they've chosen to do. WHY they're doing it. What risks are involved.

You get the point.

Knowledge is power, people. Knowledge is power.

Proper carseat buckling

I've come to realize that, on average, people know diddly squat about properly securing a car seat. At least, I HOPE it's a lack of knowledge and not the alternative..."Eh, takes too long."

9 years ago...I didn't have a clue. I was the worse car seat buckler IN THE WORLD. Not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I only clipped the chest clip and left the rest hanging.

Seriously.

I'm honestly not sure WHY that seemed like an okay thing to do in my head. I've wracked my brain, but I can't answer that. I might have been an 18 year old idiot. My kids' straps were NEVER tightened enough and I had them both FF by 11 months.

But then...nobody told me that I was doing it wrong. Nobody said "Hey, you should probably fasten that a little bit tighter...because your kid could die in an accident."

I was probably still under that generic teen impression that I was immortal. You know we all do it. That "it will never happen to me" mindset. But like I said in my previous post, you may be the bestest driver EVAR...but you can't control what the guy next to you do is doing.

It is a miracle...a MIRACLE...that I never got into an accident worse than backing up into an ATM machine (true story). Or the mailbox fatality...but that happened before I had kids. I'm very thankful that I got this far without a bad accident and I feel much more prepared now that my kids are in appropriate seats.

So, onto the buckling!

 

Right, so you can see above the 2 different photos.  One of these days, I'll make one with my own kid...I swear.

On the left, this is what I see the most. Loose straps, chest clip down to the belly. This isn't going to do anything good for your child in a collision.  The chest clip (aptly named the CHEST clip) needs to be at their sternum (armpits). This is because the sternum is very, very strong and won't break easily. As opposed to the ribs that will break VERY easily if the chest clip is where it's at on the picture on the left.

Second, the straps on the left are much too loose. I know, you don't want to make your child uncomfortable...but tight straps aren't going to hurt them. They shouldn't be killing the poor kid, but you shouldn't be able to pinch the fabric between your fingers at their shoulders, either. 

So, chest clip UP and straps TIGHT. Seems pretty easy. I am not a car seat expert or tech, by any means, nor do I claim to be one...this is just a friendly reminder that there IS a correct way to buckle your kiddo in. Oh and in infant seats (aka bucket seats), make sure the handle is back. Like the image says, it's designed to hit the seat back and create a protective shell.

Drive safely!

Random links and such

http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-aftermath-of-introducing-rice.html