What this is all about

When one has different ideas from the mainstream ones of society, they have to expect negativity.

When I started writing publicly...11 long years ago...I wasn't prepared for the negativity. It doesn't matter what you do, when you do it or how well you do. People are going to find something to bitch about. In my case, it was being 18...a very naive 18...and having a baby. More or less on purpose, at that.

I had rose colored glasses the size of Texas. So the negativity that inevitably came was surprising. And hurtful. I actually credit the internet to making me realize that some people are just unreachable and aren't going to like you no matter what you do. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's annoying at times, especially when people miss the entire point of what you put in front of them...but so be it.

I don't write this stuff thinking that I'm going to change every single persons' mind who reads it. I'm not saying you are the most horrible, terrible parent in the world because you don't do the things I do.

I write for the people who are open to learning. Who are accepting and logical and can say "Hey, maybe that wasn't the best idea...I should probably learn more about this." Without immediately going into attack mode "OMG, YOU'RE CALLING ME A BAD MOTHER! OMG! YOU BITCH!".

Yeah, no. I'm not. Really. There is a difference between not understanding someone's choices and calling them a bad parent.

The tricky part here, is that it SEEMS as if I am attacking certain parenting choices because there are words used like "safer" and "better". But I really can't apologize if there is evidence, research and RESULTS saying that such-and-such is, in fact, better/safer. And what I want to say back to these people is this:

"So, you're saying that because YOU did it and nothing bad happened...EVERYONE should continue to do so?"

I would also like to point out that this is really, really illogical and is actually kind of dumb. Sorry. It's the truth.

Example:

"Smoking is bad for your health."
"Well, my grandpa smoked for 60 years and never got cancer."

So, the point is because your grandpa smoked and never got cancer...this proves that smoking is safe and nobody's going to get cancer?

I'm sure when all the new evidence was coming out about how harmful smoking was way back when, people reacted the same as they do to me and my posts..."But doctors said it was okay!" "I smoked through all my pregnancies and my kids are fine!"

Now, what do most people do when we see a pregnant woman smoking? "Ick, she should know better."

But once upon a time, everybody did it. So everybody accepted it. Herd logic. 


Can you at least see where I'm trying to go with this?

Just because it hasn't happened to YOU...or someone close to you...doesn't mean it can't happen. This is the beauty of google, people....we have no excuse to live in a bubble anymore.

Example with parenting subject:

"You know, it's been shown that CIO has negative effects on a young baby."
"Eh, my older kid is fine."

OR

"So, did you know that putting the carseat on top of a shopping cart is unsafe? Babies have died!"
"I did it with my baby and she survived, so...."

Again, this is the mindset of, well...nothing happened to THAT child, so nothing will happened to the next one either. Or anybody else's, for that matter.

But, if I may ask a morbid question, what if you had your first child and started sleep training at 4,5 even 6 months...and said baby died. It has been documented, after all, that excessive crying can actually make their little bodies shut down. Would you, honestly, let any subsequent children CIO?

Why wait until it happens to you?

We could ask the same thing of so many subjects...car seats, circumcision, etc.

A big part of the reason why I write and post the stuff I do is because I know there are parents and future parents out there that just don't know. They accept the "old ways" as the "only ways" and they don't question it. But there is a percentage of them who are open to new ideas. Willing to educate themselves about these things.

I will be honest and say I do have a problem with people who look at the facts and the research and the evidence and still say "Well, my kid turned out okay, so all this is bullshit." What we all need to realize is that parenting is a lifelong learning experience. Things change and new evidence comes out all the time. The tricky part is keeping up with it. But we have to try, right? I mean, parenting is all about doing what's best for your kids...and if something comes out that has research based evidence saying "Hey, we got this wrong...this is a better way to go about things!", one would think most parents would stop and listen.

I'm not writing for the ones who are white knuckle-gripping onto their "BUT I DID IT AND THEY'RE FINE!" ideals. That's fine. I'm glad that you are so secure in your parenting that you don't feel the need to research and learn. I'm not one of those people.

I'm writing for the ones who are open to it. Who are looking around for answers that they might not have gotten from their pediatrician, mother-in-law, cousin, etc. Because I was one. I thought there was some unwritten list of rules about parenting and everybody did them and that was that. I am SO GLAD someone said "Hey, there are different ways of doing things." I'm grateful for the women who took a chance and said "Um...you know that's not the safest thing, right?"

I could have gotten angry. I could have cut them off and ended a friendship. But instead I said "Really? Can you tell me more?"

And if what I put out there helps even one person, it's worth it. All the complaining and the comments and the passive aggressive bitching....it's worth it.

And this is where my inner-asshole says "Come at me, bro."

Mostly because that phrase makes me giggle.

Carry on.

Personal Post: Our Journey

I feel the need to get this out. Mostly because of all the strange looks I get or the "wtf" laced comments I get from time to time. I am in no way saying that MY (our) way of doing things are superior or the right thing to do in 100% of situations. As a first time parent, at age 18...I would have greatly benefited from knowing much of what I know now. And, besides a few posts on Opendiary, I never saw any of this kind of stuff out there. My mind would have been changed about a lot of things if I had.

My parenting journey started when I was 18. Pregnant with Christopher just 7 months after graduating high school. I had no experience with small babies. Nor did I have any clue of what pregnancy held. Or birth, for that matter. I fell into that mainstream mindset of handing yourself over to an OB for 9 months and basically doing whatever they told you do. My first mistake. I should have done research. I should have learned as much as I could about pregnancy and birth. But I didn't.

Christopher's birth was horrific. I can't remember 80% of it. I felt helpless, lost and quite abused. I won't get into the whole thing, but in addition to the craziness, I was also denied access to my child for 4 hours afterwards with no explanation.

The one thing I had been very adamant about my entire pregnancy was breastfeeding. And it didn't come as naturally as I thought it would. Hell, I couldn't even get the kid to latch on. I was pressured into giving him formula by the nurses who told me I was starving my baby and that I needed sleep...so they were just going to take him to the nursery.

My hospital experience left me feeling like a complete failure and sometimes I wasn't even sure I had given birth at all. Upon bringing Christopher home, I felt like I was the babysitter and his *real* mom was going to come get him at any moment.

Breastfeeding got no easier at home and I gave up. I feel immense guilt for this. Yes, I know...here's where the comments about "My kid had formula, and he/she is FINE!" Well, that doesn't work for me. The one thing I did research during pregnancy was breastfeeding and it's 10 mile long list of benefits. Knowing what I knew about it, there is no way I can not feel guilt for giving up.

I suffered 6 months of severe post partum depression due to the circumstances of his birth, failed breastfeeding and the general feeling of "I have no clue what I'm doing". I hid it well. Ask my friends.

When Christopher turned 7 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. With Jacob. And I was determined to do it better this time. I got myself a midwife and, stupidly, assumed that's all I needed to do.

I wrote a birth plan and got all set for round 2 in the (albeit different) hospital. I assumed that because I had a midwife, everything would be different.

Not so much, as I found out.

Although it was specified in previously mentioned birth plan that I would like NOT to be offered drugs, Nubain (a narcotic) was offered to me within MOMENTS of my first really painful contraction. And that's about all of THAT birth that I remember. My birth plan was thrown out of the proverbial window. I was so out of it when he was born that I couldn't even open my eyes or hold him. I was aware of people talking to me and telling me to open my eyes and look at my son...But I could not physically do it.

Anyone who says that the only thing that matters is having a healthy baby at the end has never had a traumatic birth. I mean that. It is not stupid for a woman to mourn the loss of the birth she wanted. It is a very real loss and a very deep wound. And I will stand by that statement until the day I die.

Again, breastfeeding failed. Again, I was left in a horrible amount of guilt. PPD never did come, though. For that, I was thankful.

Emma's birth, I won't even go into because it messes with my head to even write about it. Needless to say, she was also a hospital birth..my most traumatic by far. It was, however, my first fully unmedicated birth. And she latched right on. That was my saving grace.

I finally got to experience the nursing bond that I never had with the boys. Which, at first, only made me mourn that loss more. I felt guilty that I had never had that bond with the boys.

Nursing was hard at first. Harder than I ever though it would be. That shit hurt. Every time she would latch on, my toes would literally curl. I even cried sometimes. I had learned early in my pregnancy that I had flat nipples and that the adhesions would need to be broken. Not freakin' pleasant, let me tell you. Pure stubbornness kept me going. I refused to quit. I refused because I knew that I could do it and nobody was going to tell me otherwise. I would not succumb to pressure again and, by God, I succeeded. I nursed that little girl until she was 15 months old and weaned herself. And I was upset! I was fully prepared to go well into the 2's.

I believe in extended breastfeeding. Yes, I know...If the kid can ask for it, it's time to stop. Do me a favor and google the worldwide age for weaning. Here's a hint, 4 is the YOUNGEST age. Then google "benefits of extended breastfeeding". Go ahead, I'll wait. Yes, I know you think it's gross. That's your issue. If you see something sexual when you see a child breastfeeding, that's YOUR issue. Not mine.

Do I plan on breastfeeding Michael until he wants to stop? Why yes, yes I do. And I am prepared to defend that until kingdom come. So do me a favor and do your research before coming at me with the "Ew!" comments. Mmkay?

Back to the birth subject. All that schtuff I just babbled about is why I was so set on homebirth. If you'd told me when I was 18 that I was going to give birth nearly 9 years later in my KITCHEN, I would have looked at you like you had 9 heads. I have the lowest pain tolerance in the world. Why in the HELL would I want to give birth at home and unmedicated?

Because I did my research. I read and read and read and compared and read some more. I talked to other women who have the same feelings as I do and finally felt validated for the thoughts I had. For a long time I thought I was the only one that felt that way. That I was the only one who longed to birth a child and be in control of what was going on. To decide what, where, when and HOW.

And so, that's how I came to birth Michael...my largest child at 9.5lbs and 22 inches long...in my kitchen with my husband and midwife while my father was outside having his morning coffee on the porch.

Again, I know the comments that are coming. And again, GOOGLE. Do your research before jumping to conclusions about homebirth. What you learn may surprise you. And no, it's not for every woman. There are TONS of woman who are perfectly comfortable in the hospital. Not everybody is and not everybody SHOULD HAVE TO BE.

I just want women to know that it's okay to question what is happening to you. It's okay to want things for yourself and your birth and your baby that maybe the medical professionals scoff at. Do yourself a favor and watch "The Business of Being Born". LEARN...LEARN as much as you can. Research! Question everything!

It's your right.

It's also your right to go to a hospital, have an epidural, get induced, etc. Just, please, do your research first. Ignorance may be bliss...but the more you know, the better you do. And we all have some drive to do better, don't we?

It saddens me deeply to see women following along with what society sees as "normal" maternity care...not knowing why they don't feel as happy as they thought they would. The problem is that so many women aren't aware that there are other ways. They may not be the most popular or the most common...but it's there. If I had known a third of what I know now...if someone had just taken me by the hand and taught me, encouraged me to learn, encouraged me to question...things would have been a lot different.

Obviously, I'm pretty passionate about these things. I don't usually go spouting off because, what's the point? People are going to do what they're going to do. I usually just encourage others to research. Not sure if you should breastfeed? Research! Thinking about induction/epidural/c-section? Research! Vaccinations? Research! Cosleeping? Research!

You get the idea.

Do we cosleep? Yes, we do. As a nursing mother, it makes things much easier. It's been proven that the instances of SIDs are LESS with cosleeping when done correctly and safely. Lots of this has to do with simple common sense. Drunk? Don't sleep next to your baby. Take sleep aids? Probably not a good idea. Also, nursing mothers produce a hormone that makes them supersensitive to their babies while sleeping. I'm not kidding, I can wake up and know exactly where he is without even thinking about it. If you're about to tell me that if I cosleep, he'll never, ever leave our bed and we'll have to force him out when he's 10 years old....please don't. Because that means you've formed your opinion on absolutely nothing and need to (are you tired of this word yet?) RESEARCH.

It can pretty much be assumed by now that we do not practice Crying It Out. After all I've seen on what it does to a small babys brain and body as a whole...there's no way I can do it, even if it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm so tired that I can barely stand up. I still won't do it. This is one thing that I DO get angry about. If you can still practice CIO after seeing what it does to them...well...you probably wouldn't talk to me much after I got done with THAT speech.

Baby's are not mini-adults. I have no idea how many times I've said that...thousands, probably. For all our many accomplishments as a rather educated species, we are still, at base, mammals. Mammals who have babies who are 100% dependent on us for at least the first year of life.

Newborns are not supposed to sleep through the night. You cannot spoil a baby by picking them up. Infants are supposed to be held. Inconvenient to you or not, this is the way it works. If you wanted freedom, you shouldn't have given birth.

My friends list is going to be a lot smaller soon, isn't it?

We delay our kids' vaccinations. There are so many different opinions on this, I can only say that the reason WE do this is because we don't believe that a small babys body should be inundated with such things. Too much for them to handle and on the off chance that it results in a violent reaction...an older child's body is more equipped to deal with it. I was vindicated in my beliefs when Jacob had round one of the MMR vaccine a couple years ago (I think he was 4) and he had a reaction that involved severe swelling. If he had been an infant, he would have been hospitalized and most likely intubated.

That is why we delay our kids' vaccinations. I have weighed the facts, risks and all else. This is one of those things where is hard to say "THIS IS 100% right" because...well, we don't know. It it my firm belief that vaccinations should NOT be one size fits all and I think there should be a lot more research done on the ingredients and side effects. There's no ONE correct answer when it comes to vaxxes.

Circumcising. 2 out of 3 of my boys are cut. I regret this DEEPLY. I never wanted any of them to be circumcised, but gave into the pressure of family and my husband. HOWEVER, after my husband did his research (finally. Thank you, dear) he also came to share my viewpoint. And Michael is not cut. This is one of those things, like CIO, that anger me. Watch a video. Read some research. If you can do it to your kid KNOWING what happens...You know why your baby fell asleep so fast after it? Because he's in shock. And yes, it has been proven. And no, they do NOT give substantial anesthetic to newborns. Even the Pediatric Association has deemed circumcision as medically unnecessary! READ, people! That's what it's there for! And, for the record, "I want him to look like his daddy" is NOT an acceptable reason for having it done. I have a strong urge to slap people when I hear that. Be warned. (Although I am not religious, I do understand the religious reasons. Doesn't make me agree with it any more, but I do understand.)

Child lead solids. This isn't very widespread, as I've found out. I "did" babyfood with my first 2. I never understood WHY exactly...just "that's what you do!". When I was pregnant with Emma, I came across a couple articles that mentioned it, so I did some research of my own and found that it made a bunch more sense to me than what I had previously done. So no, we don't "do" babyfood anymore. For one, starting a baby on solids at 3 months is not a good idea. Again, google. Their little bodies are not equipped for it. Did you know that babies don't even make the enzyme you need to digest grains? At 3 months old, their digestive system is totally stressing to digest that rice cereal you just gave them. I know, I know..you fed your kid rice cereal at 2.5 months and he was FINE. I fed Christopher rice cereal at 3 months, too. Would I have done that if I had seen the research? Nope. Even if he was fine. Solid food is not meant to be a nutritional requirement for a baby until they are over a year old. No matter what your mother, mother in law, cousin, aunt, etc...says. It is perfectly normal for a baby to be exclusively breast fed (My mind is blanking on formula fed babies, sorry) until they're a year old. Don't believe me? Look it up. Most babies show interest in food, yeah. Emma was VERY into food by the time she was 10 months old...I have videos. But NURSING was what gave her what she needed. Christopher, on the other hand, showed no interest in food until around a year old. I know BLS is not for everyone...but do your research before trying to shove rice cereal down your 3 month olds throat so he'll "sleep longer".


Here are a bunch of links for all of you so that you may see that I actually DO form my opinions on something. And so...y'know...maybe someone who was like me at 18, will learn something that will change the way they do things and make them happier, healthier and more educated. ;)

http://www.scienceandsensibility.org/?p=533 (A new era of homebirth research)

http://www.gentlebirth.org/format/myths.html (Is Homebirth for you?)

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html (Breastfeeding past infancy Fact Sheet)

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/scientific-benefits-co-sleeping (Scientific benefits of cosleeping)

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/#.TuKYbEozJvY (Dangers of practicing CIO)

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful (More CIO stuff)

http://www.hip-chick-pregnancy-guide.com/circumcision/ (Graphic..and if you've ever felt bad about getting your child circumcised...you'll cry. I did.)

http://www.drjen4kids.com/myths/mythrice.htm (The "baby will sleep longer" myth)

http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html (About delaying solids)



There's just a few. There is so much more out there. Research before you do. Please. Even if you're exiting out of this page to defriend me because I've royally pissed you off. PLEASE. Educate yourself. Parenting is not about your convenience. It's about doing the best you can for your child. And, my number one saying, the more you know, the better you do.