What this is all about

When one has different ideas from the mainstream ones of society, they have to expect negativity.

When I started writing publicly...11 long years ago...I wasn't prepared for the negativity. It doesn't matter what you do, when you do it or how well you do. People are going to find something to bitch about. In my case, it was being 18...a very naive 18...and having a baby. More or less on purpose, at that.

I had rose colored glasses the size of Texas. So the negativity that inevitably came was surprising. And hurtful. I actually credit the internet to making me realize that some people are just unreachable and aren't going to like you no matter what you do. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's annoying at times, especially when people miss the entire point of what you put in front of them...but so be it.

I don't write this stuff thinking that I'm going to change every single persons' mind who reads it. I'm not saying you are the most horrible, terrible parent in the world because you don't do the things I do.

I write for the people who are open to learning. Who are accepting and logical and can say "Hey, maybe that wasn't the best idea...I should probably learn more about this." Without immediately going into attack mode "OMG, YOU'RE CALLING ME A BAD MOTHER! OMG! YOU BITCH!".

Yeah, no. I'm not. Really. There is a difference between not understanding someone's choices and calling them a bad parent.

The tricky part here, is that it SEEMS as if I am attacking certain parenting choices because there are words used like "safer" and "better". But I really can't apologize if there is evidence, research and RESULTS saying that such-and-such is, in fact, better/safer. And what I want to say back to these people is this:

"So, you're saying that because YOU did it and nothing bad happened...EVERYONE should continue to do so?"

I would also like to point out that this is really, really illogical and is actually kind of dumb. Sorry. It's the truth.

Example:

"Smoking is bad for your health."
"Well, my grandpa smoked for 60 years and never got cancer."

So, the point is because your grandpa smoked and never got cancer...this proves that smoking is safe and nobody's going to get cancer?

I'm sure when all the new evidence was coming out about how harmful smoking was way back when, people reacted the same as they do to me and my posts..."But doctors said it was okay!" "I smoked through all my pregnancies and my kids are fine!"

Now, what do most people do when we see a pregnant woman smoking? "Ick, she should know better."

But once upon a time, everybody did it. So everybody accepted it. Herd logic. 


Can you at least see where I'm trying to go with this?

Just because it hasn't happened to YOU...or someone close to you...doesn't mean it can't happen. This is the beauty of google, people....we have no excuse to live in a bubble anymore.

Example with parenting subject:

"You know, it's been shown that CIO has negative effects on a young baby."
"Eh, my older kid is fine."

OR

"So, did you know that putting the carseat on top of a shopping cart is unsafe? Babies have died!"
"I did it with my baby and she survived, so...."

Again, this is the mindset of, well...nothing happened to THAT child, so nothing will happened to the next one either. Or anybody else's, for that matter.

But, if I may ask a morbid question, what if you had your first child and started sleep training at 4,5 even 6 months...and said baby died. It has been documented, after all, that excessive crying can actually make their little bodies shut down. Would you, honestly, let any subsequent children CIO?

Why wait until it happens to you?

We could ask the same thing of so many subjects...car seats, circumcision, etc.

A big part of the reason why I write and post the stuff I do is because I know there are parents and future parents out there that just don't know. They accept the "old ways" as the "only ways" and they don't question it. But there is a percentage of them who are open to new ideas. Willing to educate themselves about these things.

I will be honest and say I do have a problem with people who look at the facts and the research and the evidence and still say "Well, my kid turned out okay, so all this is bullshit." What we all need to realize is that parenting is a lifelong learning experience. Things change and new evidence comes out all the time. The tricky part is keeping up with it. But we have to try, right? I mean, parenting is all about doing what's best for your kids...and if something comes out that has research based evidence saying "Hey, we got this wrong...this is a better way to go about things!", one would think most parents would stop and listen.

I'm not writing for the ones who are white knuckle-gripping onto their "BUT I DID IT AND THEY'RE FINE!" ideals. That's fine. I'm glad that you are so secure in your parenting that you don't feel the need to research and learn. I'm not one of those people.

I'm writing for the ones who are open to it. Who are looking around for answers that they might not have gotten from their pediatrician, mother-in-law, cousin, etc. Because I was one. I thought there was some unwritten list of rules about parenting and everybody did them and that was that. I am SO GLAD someone said "Hey, there are different ways of doing things." I'm grateful for the women who took a chance and said "Um...you know that's not the safest thing, right?"

I could have gotten angry. I could have cut them off and ended a friendship. But instead I said "Really? Can you tell me more?"

And if what I put out there helps even one person, it's worth it. All the complaining and the comments and the passive aggressive bitching....it's worth it.

And this is where my inner-asshole says "Come at me, bro."

Mostly because that phrase makes me giggle.

Carry on.

FANTASTIC article - "The Second Nine Months: Exterogestation and the need to be held"

Click to Read

HIGHLY recommended and PLEASE share. Very in depth and research based. Love!!

An excerpt:

"Gestation Outside of the Womb- “Exterior Gestation”
 
Simple observation of a newborn clarifies her helpless nature. She needs warmth and nourishment. She cannot move herself away from danger and cannot use words to communicate her needs. She is challenged to use her nervous system to figure out space and her relationship to it, to breathe by herself, to circulate oxygen and nutrients to her entire body; to eat, digest, and eliminate. It is clear that the newborn goes through a transformation that does not occur instantly but gradually lasting most of the first year of her life. During this time the infant must be carried everywhere. She has a long way to go before she can even somewhat manage for herself.
In his book Touching, The Human Significance of the Skin, Dr Ashley Montagu talks of the importance of the mother-baby relationship after the baby has already been born.  He describes the relationship between the two as “naturally designed to become even more intensive and interoperative after birth” than while the baby was gestating or growing in the womb (Montagu, 1988, 75).
“Birth no more constitutes the beginning of the life of the individual than it does the end of gestation. Birth represents a complex and highly important series of functional changes which serve to prepare the newborn for the passage across the bridge between gestation within the womb and gestation continued out of the womb.” (Montagu, 1986, 57)
Human babies are born early out of necessity.  Nurturing the baby in a manner that represents the intimacy of pregnancy as closely as possible until this “exterior gestation” is complete offers the baby the optimal environment for his immature systems. This means the baby should be in constant proximity to her mother, either in her mother’s arms or worn on her mother’s body with a piece of cloth or other baby carrier."

My case for being an attached parent

I did not start out as an attached parent. As far as mothers ago, I was damn detached for quite a while. Along with being raised in a mainstream environment (and not knowing any different), I had the added "fun" of having severe PPD.

I had Christopher in August of 2003, I was 18. I hadn't even babysat a newborn at that point. I wanted to breastfeed, but gave up quickly...under the impression that it just wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't cosleep because, honestly, all I'd ever heard about kids who slept in their parents' beds was "THEY'LL NEVER LEAVE!"

Christopher was an "easy" baby. He didn't cry much. He slept through the night at a month old. He was generally happy to be on his own. Thanks to my PPD, my interactions with him for the first seven months of his life were strained at best. I would basically stare at this child, feeling like a babysitter waiting for his real mother to come get him. I didn't know how to speak to him, I didn't know how to entertain him.

I held him, I fed him...but I didn't connect with him. I watched a lot of TV that first 7 months. I really didn't leave the house unless it was to go to my inlaws on weekends. Things are kind of fuzzy, my memories aren't real clear from when he was a baby. I was lost in my own mind. I mourn his babyhood, because I feel like I missed so much of it.

We did CIO. We started rice cereal at 3 months. Started baby food at 4 months. He was forward facing in a car seat by 11 months. I wore him a couple times in a Bjorn and a sling, but it wasn't a regular thing.

Basically everything I don't do now. This amuses me sometimes...looking at how different things are now. It also makes me look at the difference in the bond I have with him and the one I have with Michael. And even Jacob. Although I still made some "mistakes" with Jacob, I had a firmer bond with him because I DID feel attached to him almost immediately. I was dreading another repeat of PPD with his birth, but it never returned.

Christopher and I have struggled with our relationship...a lot. He and I were constantly at odds for years. To the point where I would purposely avoid my own child because the fighting...never...stopped. I do blame this on previously being a detached parent and not knowing how to deal with him. It felt like my own kid was a stranger.  I lashed out with anger in response to his behavior instead of stopping and thinking WHY it was happening. I wish I had had these epiphanies sooner. His younger years would have been much more enjoyable.

Now, let's talk about Michael. He was born at home...immediately put into my arms to nurse and wasn't taken from me at all, except by his father because, well, he wanted to hold his son. But nobody was there telling me that I should send him to the nursery. Nobody took him to get him circumcised. Nobody was there telling me that I couldn't let him sleep on my chest because "the bassinet was better". I was free to nurse and bond with my baby with no one but my husband and children around. It was wonderful. I had never felt so much love right after a birth before...it always took me a couple days to "come around".

I attended his every need. I nursed on demand (And yes, that means my butt was glued to the couch for 80% of the day for those first few months). I wore him and sniffed him. I slept with him next to me or on me. He was always with me. Physical contact with him comes as naturally as breathing. He never has (and never wil) CIO. We nurse to sleep for every nap and every bedtime. I wear him at home and everywhere we go.

Physical contact with Christopher was awkward for both of us for a long time. It's like we didn't know if it was okay to touch each other. He didn't hug me. And I felt weird trying to hug him. Mostly because he would usually run away. I have made great strides in this over the past couple years. I made the effort to "normalize" touching between us and now it's much better. He hugs me randomly throughout the day...we don't fight nearly as much (he's 9, it's going to happen). He tells me he loves me. It's a world of difference.

Although I didn't breastfeed Jacob either, physical affection comes naturally with him also because I held him and bonded with him much more than I did with Christopher.

Detached parenting may look attractive to some...it provides more freedom. Leaving the baby at home is easier...more free time at night...sleeping through the night...stuff like that. But, when it comes to how it FEELS...I will take being an attached parent over the alternative any day of the week. If I could do it all over again, I would do it this way....every time.

I realize that not everyone feels the way I do. But this is for those who feel like they HAVE to listen to the pediatrician telling you to start rice cereal at 3 months. Whose friends are telling them that they need to get that baby out of their bed NOW.  Whose mom is telling them that they need to put the baby down or they're going to spoil him/her.

You CAN follow your instincts. It's okay. Really. It's OKAY to follow your heart where your baby is concerned.

It's okay.